Letter to a loved one
by Cyane2000
Summary: Lucy has passed away. Erza can't sleep at night and doubts something. This is her letter to Lucy about it. Major character death. ErLu. Oneshot. Will be expanded later.


Dearest Lucy,

Like always, I have the feeling I can hear your breath right beside me while I'm lying alone in my bed. I never was a deep sleeper, you know that, and it took me ages before I could sleep with your warmth and movements next to my own. Now I've gotten so accustomed to it I cannot sleep without. It's half past three, although time doesn't interest me. It never has since I met you. Because I know that, no matter how much time I spent with you, it seems like a second.

I miss you dearly, but lately, I've been feeling as if your presence is still around me. You cannot be really gone, is what my heart tells me. I can sometimes smell your faint vanilla perfume when I'm sitting on our bench, and feel your hand stroke my own as you've done countless times. My life goes on, but there isn't a second in which I don't miss you.

Time heals all wounds, they say. That is true; you and I must be one of the people that know it the best. Maybe I'll get over you, sometime. But they also say you cannot get over your true love, and I know I never will. I know you want me to be happy, maybe even with another person. My life is almost normal now – I eat and sleep, smile and breathe. I live once again.

But how can I commit myself to another – as I've wholeheartedly done with you – when I still love you? How can I commit myself to another when I think of you at every place we visited and had fun, tears or special moments? I haven't entered my room at Fairy Hills or your apartment. They're the places we spent the most time alone. It is easier at the Guild. They're so rowdy and wild I cannot stay sad forever.

There is a question that has been bothering me for a while. The reason I'm writing this letter. It's torturing me. Even though you'll never answer, I still need to ask. I don't know why. No matter what answer or sign you'll give me, I won't be mad or upset. It's the way life works. No one can help their feelings.

Did you love me?

Did you love me as I loved you? It pains me to ask, but it's a dark secret of mine I never knew for sure. You were always so bright and cheerful and happy, and even if we were serious, you seemed optimistic and hopeful. During our darkest times, I just held you and you held me back so tightly I could barely breathe. But if I go over how we got together, I don't see any signs of you anymore. That's what hurts the most: thinking you accepted me as your girlfriend because you didn't want to see me hurt anymore. I've seen it plenty of times, Lucy. In my friends' eyes, my comrades, even those you wouldn't expect to feel sorry for you. With no exception, I saw the pity in their eyes if I told them little pieces of my past.

You were the only one I ever told the whole story. And, yes, even in your eyes was the pity. After I told you, you were crying so hard, I embraced you again. I had to cry myself, not for me but for you, because you had to hear this. I had to cry because we had changed.

And I think that was the reason you never looked at me when you said yes. In my foolishness, I thought you were shy or overly happy as I was, because a moment later, you swept me off my feet with a mind-blowing kiss. You looked happy and content. Why didn't I ever notice your gazes at me. Now I know they were filled with regret. Did you regret your decision? Love had made me blind, now sorrow has cleared up my view.

I believe that over the years, you've fallen for me by my gestures and care, that little trade of being romantic and spontaneous I had in me. That you loved me or at least cared greatly for me. That I was your most beloved person in this world. That you've learned to appreciate and respect me, for my strengths and weaknesses. But I don't think you've fallen heads over heels with for myself. My personality, the core of my being, that you learned to love over the years.

I don't regret anything. You sure made me happy and I hope I made you happy. But that one matter does not leave me alone. Maybe it could have been better if you indeed had been together with someone you fell for instantly. I'm not selfish enough to say it was better this way. I know that, in my dreams and maybe the afterlife, I will see you again. Happy. With someone else or myself, time will let that decide.

Even though I might not be your true love, you are mine. I'll never love anyone as dearly as I have you. I'll continue to grow, to struggle, to smile; to live. To love life and my friends. I hope you're watching me. I hope you're proud of me, too. I hope you remember our blissful time together, too.

Do you remember that one time I randomly bought you flowers? You were so awed and at the same time suspicious of it. I thought I didn't need a special occasion, but apparently you do with jealous girlfriends. That was one of the best days in my life. It's those little moments that make life worthwhile. It's you hugging me from behind, it's you gently following my scars, it's you and always you.

Once in a while, people ask me where I got the strength to move on. I always tell them I never have, but I have to live for your sake. They look at me quizzically and go further then. I always laugh. Strange how people think they love someone and that the person is your soulmate, but don't understand you can never move on from them. You'll always fill my heart, Lucy.

Even though I'm still not sure about your initial feelings about me, I think I have found my peace now. I will be able to sleep again. Tomorrow, I will look up in the sky, to our star, and thank it for the best years of my life.

With the greatest love,

Erza Scarlet.


End file.
